Take a look at what you want from someone else. Often what we want is for an emotional reason.
At a recent lunch, a friend of mine reminded me that if I want something from my husband, I would be more successful in getting it if I were to be it. Instead of expecting him to change, it was up to me to change. I have to say, I didn’t like hearing this. But all my moaning and griping weren’t working. It was worth a try.
I knew this from all the consciousness transformation that I’ve been doing, but here was yet another area of my life that I’d overlooked something else that I could transform in me. It was in plain sight and yet invisible to me because of emotional attachments that I was holding onto.
The request was simple. I wanted my husband to kiss me more.
The first step was for me to stop complaining about it. That’s it. In short, take your focus off what isn’t happening. Focus on what you do desire.
I want to be kissed, so I initiated the kissing. I just went up to him and kissed him. It was that simple. It helped that I lingered a bit and let him know what I was feeling. I repeated this multiple time throughout the day. Then before bed, I reached behind me, grabbed him in a headlock and brought our lips together. We laughed as we cuddled and fell asleep.
That got me thinking. In the past, I wanted him to desire me, which he would show me by kissing me, because of the feelings I experienced (or didn’t experience) in my first marriage. What else was getting in the way of our kissing?
Once I asked the question, I realized that he says he loves me with every act of service he does for me – chiropractic adjustments, cleaning the kitchen after dinner, offering to buy stuff while he’s out, coming up behind me and rubbing my shoulders, etc. I, on the other hand, show love through touch – and I hadn’t been doing such a good job of it lately. This was probably because I was on a slow simmer about the whole kissing issue.
That got me thinking. (Do you see how one question leads to another?) What were all the ways that I pushed him away? Yikes. Once I asked this, little scenarios kept popping into my mind. There was that time that I felt hurt (because I felt ignored) and pushed him away. It doesn’t make sense, but feelings often don’t. Or the time that he wanted to connect with me, and again, I felt hurt, so I pushed him away. And then there was the time…
I began to notice a pattern. When I was hurt, I would push him away. No wonder he didn’t kiss me. Where was all this coming from? It was time for me to let go of the hurt from my first marriage. I thought I had, and yet another layer had popped up to be released.
While I’d let go of the old marriage 16 years ago, I was still holding onto some of the hurt. The memories of the marriage were just that. Memories. A story. It was time to take the sting out of that story. The memories would still be in my mind. They just wouldn’t have a hold on me and influence my current life. They would truly be in the past.
To let go, I imagined squeezing drops of “neutralizing oil” on any part of my body that held the hurt. Then I “watched” as the oil dissolved the attachment to the hurt and slid it out of my body. I followed this with the thought: I allow. Then, I moved onto the next spot holding the hurt until my body felt light and expansive.
If I wanted this marriage to be better, what could I do or be? I could do acts of service for him since that is his language of love. I could initiate the kissing. I could be gentler in the way I talk with him. I could binge watch TV on a rainy day. (TV isn’t my thing, but it is my husband’s. He even commented before bed that night what a great day it was.) I found many things that I could do or be to have a relationship filled with love, laughter, and joy.
And do you know what happened? We are kissing more and some is even initiated by him. In addition, I am sounding kinder, our relationship is improving and he even came back for a second kiss this morning before he left. All in all, things are vastly improved.
The next time you want someone else to change, start asking yourself questions and take a look at what you can change in yourself. After all, if you ask the question, you already know the answer. Let go of what doesn’t work for you. It’s time to be what you desire.