Fear begins the tornado of emotions swirling downward deep within my soul. Moving forward seems impossible against the swirling rubble of old emotions programmed years ago. My father’s disapproval sits guard on the front porch of my life, even though the man no longer disapproves. I’m not sure that he ever really did, but my mind perceived the unfairness of motivating by criticizing and took it on as my own false beliefs about myself. Yet, every once in a while, on days like today, when I let the fears rise to the top of my consciousness, the false beliefs triumph over what I know to be true, and I remain frozen in fear. Life becomes overwhelming. Even the smallest thing, like walking the dog, holds me locked within my house, within my room, within my mind.
The fear of moving forward is so all encompassing that tears form in the back of my throat. My chest constricts. My back aches with the pain of holding my life together – of literally holding me together. The body is a strange vessel. Pointing out clues to the emotions we feel, yet can’t see. Are the emotions real if we can’t see them? But if we can’t see them, and they are real, then what does this mean in terms of our feelings activating the energies in the universe?
Are these just more refined feelings? Perhaps feelings that we have become desensitized to over the years, much like we no longer feel shock when we watch violence on the screen. We have seen so much of it, that we no longer feel it. So, could it be argued that we have blocked our feelings about the Universal Energies, yet they are still there patiently waiting to serve us? Or are they serving us now? If we blocked them, why would we block love? Isn’t love the beginning of happiness, the truth that each of us strives to achieve? Can one ounce of fear wipe out an ounce of love? Or does it just eat away the feelings of love, peace, and contentment bit by bit until fear prevails?
It is said that what we think about, we bring about. So, am I bringing about more fear, only because the feeling is more powerful within my own body than love? If this is true, then it is obvious that if I pump more love into my body, love will overtake fear. Yet, in the mean time, fear plays with my mind enticing me into its dark lair, holding my hand with false comfort of familiarity, pretending to be my friend. But would a true friend hold me back from the potential that awaits me? Logic doesn’t seem to work with feelings. Feelings just are. And it is so easy to get lost in the maze within the lair of fear that I seem to be wandering.
But what if I could flatten the walls of the maze? I could use explosives. No, I might get hurt, even within my mind. Something gentler perhaps. How about using my breath? With one deep inhale followed by a long, slow exhale, my breath dissolves the grey river rock walls around me leaving me surrounded by the cave of the lair. Already I am able to breath easier no longer confined by the narrow passageways.
Breathing deeply, my chest expands and I stand taller, stretching my arms in the freedom of space. Yes, this is right. This feels good. A deep yawn emerges with every stretch. A blood-red mist of fear energy escapes from my mouth as my body opens and releases. Again, I stretch, yawn, and exhale. The same thing happens. But as I look around, expecting the cave to be filling with the mist, it transforms into a glittering iridescent light spreading throughout the cave melting the damp, dark walls until sunlight peaks in a tiny hole as the light eats away at the darkness. I continue to stretch and exhale with my arms at my sides watching the mist escape from every pour. This is such an amazing site that I begin to play with the image, watching as the color of the mist changes from blood red to royal purple to pale yellow to vibrant blue. No matter what the color, when it hits the cool air, it turns iridescent and melts away another layer of darkness.
As I stretch above my head, the yawn is minor. My arms continue slowly moving to the outer edges of my reach to each side. With arms extending around the world, the yawn becomes so complete that my breathing halts for a full minute until I feel like an inflated balloon. Then just as I am about to pop, I begin to exhale through my arms. Waves of soft light begin to flow from my hands until I can no longer see my hands. They have become the light. Reaching further, I continue to yawn lost in the feeling of warmth emerging from my hands. My eyes close as I enjoy the feelings flowing through me.
After a moment filled with a thousand yawns or more, my jaw relaxes, my arms float down, and I feel at peace. A bird is chirping. A gentle breeze brushes my skin. Confused, I open my eyes. I am no longer in the cave, but am standing in a vast meadow of black-eyed susan, baby’s breath, and lavender. The sweet scent lifts my spirits as I take a step forward, ready to live the day.